The Cutting Edge – No One Here Gets Out Alive!
By CHRISTOPHER A. HUFF
City Editor, Weirton Daily Times (2002)
There is some major news uncovered by researchers in the health industry that is drawing fire from other researchers across the world.
According to scientific studies, the leading cause of death is not cancer, heart disease, guns, drunk drivers or being mauled by hyenas. After rigorously studying decades of statistics and studies by the EPA, CDC, WHO, Johnson & Johnson and numerous other health agencies and medical research groups, researchers on the cutting edge of scientific fact have determined a single link between every disease and fatality on the planet.
The leading cause of death is living.
Yes, that is right. According to this groundbreaking study, everyone who has ever died on the planet earth was living at some point in time. In fact, the researchers have gone as far as to predict that every living thing on the planet is going to die. However, they do allow a +/- 4 percent margin of error for the occasional divine being, members of the Rolling Stones and Dick Clark.
Boy, I am glad I discovered this “study.”
Recently, I read about another recent study where it has been “determined” that hot dogs, and other processed meats, increase your chances of becoming a diabetic. So great, I said to myself. Not only am I staring down the preverbal double-barreled shotgun of a genetic disposition to diabetes, but now, my favorite food is helping pull the trigger.
Nevertheless, I am not too concerned about this study. Just like the study in the early 90s that said eggs were bad for you was refuted by a later study, I am sure this one will be refuted as well. However, I am concerned about the effect this will have on the not-so-Zen-at-heart. You know the ones I mean. The people who freak out at every little study and are now trying to live on a steady diet of grass, cultured yogurt (non-dairy, of course) and soy-substitutes. They still drink water, but are very concerned because H2O has been found to be the leading cause of drowning.
However, despite their precautions, they are still dying. Moreover, they are not having much fun while doing it because everything fun has been determined to be harmful to your health, hence illegal.
The simple point of the matter is that we are all going to die. There is no getting around it. Whether it is from cancer, diabetes, a drunk driver, or being fatally licked to death by an over-affectionate ferret, there is no last minute pardons on the electric chair of life. We all get fried in the end.
In addition, to tell the truth, some times—abet rarely, but sometimes—death is a preferred option. I had to watch my grandfather—a proud, wonderful man—suffer with an inoperable tumor for months. I had to try to consul him as he begged to die.
Maybe if I were a stronger person, I would have helped him, but that is neither here nor there.
When he passed away, I was happy for him. I knew that he went on to a better place where there was no pain. But did he have to suffer for so long to get there? That is a question for the euthanasia lobbyists to argue, but I know where my vote lies on that issue.
However, this column is not about dying. It is about living, and living life to the fullest.
Jim Morrison said, “No one here gets out alive.”
Death said, “You got what everyone gets, you got a lifetime.”
That is the truest definition for time that I had read. Minutes, seconds, hours and days are all relevant. Anyone who has been on the wrong side of the bathroom door knows this. Scientists have proven it. The seconds and minutes that we use to measure time mean very little to the actual universe or even in our lives. How many times have you lost yourself in a movie or book, spending years of your life as you walked down the road with the characters, only to come back a “couple hours” later when the cover was closed or the credits started to roll?
Have you ever lost yourself in a kiss that lasted forever and only a few seconds?
Have you ever waited for your parents to wake up on Christmas morning?
Have you ever seen the seconds stretch into eternity as your car slides along the icy highway and starts to spin?
It is not how long you live. It is how you live.
If you worry about everything; take every health precaution recommended, don’t do anything risky and manage to avoid bad luck, twists of fate, angry gods, and the stupidity of other people (perhaps by living in a bubble locked in a vault buried under NORAD), then perhaps you will the longest number of days.
However, was it a good way to spend a lifetime?
I know how I will cast my vote; I think I’ll eat some hot dogs.
